Another Emotional Rant

About bullshit.

I feel so lonely.

On Christmas my dad dropped a bomb of me of epic emotional turmoil proportions. My cousin and I were talking about college and the stupidity of it all and the Vampire Diaries and just a random mishmash about school and vampires and our niece Charlotte (5 months) going to college. Just full circles of conversations and I made a joke that I was stupid, only, two college degrees type of stupid (meaning loans) and my dad said “yeah but not everyone takes ten years to get a degree” implying that not only am I stupid but also lazy in his tone. (7.5 years- 2 degrees though!!) Mind, he barely passed high school but he still took it unto himself to judge me progress compared to whom? Himself? My brothers who never went? My mom who took 27 years for one degree in Psychology that she literally never used or even had an interest in? This is my life’s struggle here in Michigan. I did say something to that, because, after all, he said it in front of half the family and my ego was on the line here. I can’t remember what I said exactly because I was shocked but I did say that I had two years off from school and that most people don’t even finish one degree. Plus I finished a four year degree in two and a half and so if it’s a question of my work ethic then he’s got nothing to say. Something like that. And so on hearing “you’ve got nothing to say” he said “Well, no, I could tear you to shreds but I choose not to.”

On Christmas. In front of my husband and family. Who does that? And what could he possibly say about me to tear me to shreds more than something like that? More than humiliating me on Christmas at my Aunt’s dining room table after family dinner? Fucking seriously. After repeatedly calling my a stupid bitch at my husband’s birthday in my own home in June I didn’t talk to him for two months. Now I think it’s time to just cut it out completely because I have myself to take care of and can’t keep moving boundaries for myself in how people treat me and make me feel just because he’s my dad.

So I was thinking- aside from if I don’t get into this Juilliard Fellowship I might lose my shit, if I did get interviewed and asked about the emotional hardship and rejection that something like a playwright program at an elite school might offer- the highs and lows of ego and accountability of a school like that IN an accelerated program in the BEST city in the world in general and for Theatre and so on- how would I deal with that? Because I feel like asking about ego is a pretty big thing in a performing arts school where everyone comes in at the top of their personal games from where they’re all from- well, I have something to tell them.

I got it the worst at home. And I’m learning every day how to move past my own ego in order to learn how to move past other people’s. If I can get the worst of it at home, from my unsupportive and judgemental parents, from the apathy my whole life from my extended family calling me freak, a weirdo, from my brothers (unless I can score them free tickets) and from most of the people around me HERE in Detroit, I can handle it from a bunch of strangers and acquaintances somewhere else. I lead basically a whole life of nobody supporting my dreams and visions unless it suited them or they had time for it in their schedules (except for the lovelies I met along the way IN the fields) so if I can survive here, I can survive it anywhere. So it may as well be in the only place that I want to be in.

I am 100% positive that if asked this in an interview I WILL cry and embarrass myself. But it’s all true. If I can survive the bullshit here from my family for 38 years, I can take a couple of people saying they don’t like my play because it’s too absurd or too real or too wacky or murdery or their mom’s name is Lorraine. Because at least those people went to the play, which is more than I can picture anyone doing here without me begging or getting them all comps.

So almost every waking hour of every day is festooned in thoughts of moving, thoughts of even ONE person telling me they’re proud of me without me having to say “Aren’t you proud of me?” first and getting nothing but a nod. I know not every dream will come true. I know that not everything will change and be perfect in a new city. But the emotional battery and trauma of living here and every day feeling the lack of support from almost literally everyone in my life makes me feel less than an inch tall. And I know I’m better than all of this. But it is SO HARD to actually GET to be better, to emotionally grow and fundamentally grow, when every day bring on a new slam. I’m clobbered to Hell and back lately. And all I want to do is escape it. It’s gotten to the point where leaving everything I know feels like my only option. I feel sick about it most days, so negative and so depressed and it’s so hard to stay positive. I saved Josh’s letter of rec that he sent them and I will reread it daily if I have to just to get myself in that space. But honestly, I fear not getting in. I fear it more than I have ever fear anything, including people.

I just don’t know how to start this life that I want. For this shit you need clout and I have none. And even if I did, it’s local clout! And nobody cares about Detroit except Detroiters. I feel so smaller here, getting smaller every day. And that’s not who I want to be. This is not who I am. And I’m fighting and fighting it but I can only do so much on my own. And I am beaten down with restraints. Reasons to still call myself a loser. Or a bum. Or lazy. Or stupid. And I worry my dad’s right even though I know he’s not and that maybe he’s starting to lose his mind. I’m drowning here. And the only person willing to give me a viable life raft is myself, but I’m too busy drowning to be able to assist myself in the not drowning part.

So that’s why I need this Fellowship. It’s my biggest chance to feel like I can be who I’ve been trying to be for a decade or more. It would be walls moving, traps letting go, threats of dying a nobody lessening. If I got into Juilliard (JUILLIARD!!) then it would force everyone to take me seriously and not just call me a freak. I don’t need their applause, but a little credibility might be nice.